Thursday, August 27, 2009

the secret to time travel

everyone knows that it takes longer for a kettle to boil if you watch it. and everyone who has ever studied grammar knows that, no matter how witty Lynne Truss is, when reading about punctuation marks and compound complex sentences and past participles, time dramatically slows.

so, what if you were to boil a kettle full of grammar? perhaps time would stop!

there are a few hurdles to overcome before designing a space/time ship with a gigantic visible kettle for an engine.

first, one must distill grammar from its abstract form to something tangible. arguably too, it must be something you could fit in a kettle and bring to a rolling boil. the first thought that comes to mind is likely paper pages covered in grammatical rules. for me though, stuffing grammatical rules into a kettle to boil seems like a fun and interesting experiment.

to stop time, however, the process must serve no interests, no musings, no wonders. essentially, the audience must be bored to the point in which all time suspends--no movement forward of backward. by doing thus, the audience of the grammar-filled kettle will appear frozen in time. the grammar must not provide amusement and so another alternative to paper ought be sought. discuss.

having successfully trapped an audience in suspended time status, what are we to do with them then? can we push them into the past or the future? if the audience is pushed, will they not be disrupted and immediately return to the present? if so, is there a way to harness the energy used to go from suspended state to present state? therein, may hap, lay the secrets to time travel.


  1. because i chose to be a writer, not a physicist. though, i would probably look hot in a lab coat (because most females do).

  2. this theory is intriguing indeed! maybe if - once you have frozen time - you can somehow slingshot them into the past or future. Kind of like without them knowing, so they have no time to think about it and be broken from their frozen time state. Or shoot the teapot out of a cannon. I told Spock this idea and he started pacing and meowing quietly to himself. I think he might be on to something.

  3. tell spock that i want an aknowledgement on anything he publishes.