Toothpaste Culture

Every once in a while I'm inspired by a strange thread of thoughts. Today, on merry Christmas Eve, I've been sat here in my living room watching Graham Norton on BBC America. You're wondering how this has anything to do with toothpaste. I told you it was strange.

There's a commercial for toothpaste. Don't ask what brand, you don't really care. What does matter is that, in the commercial, the woman supposedly putting the paste on the brush has a magical power. (I say supposedly because it's quite obvious that the toothpaste is COMPUTER GRAPHICALLY applied to the toothbrush.) She has the magical power of perfectly applying toothpaste to a brush so that it looks, well, perfect. You know, like this:

but without all the the flying tat in the background... so more like this:



but not made out of cement; unless you need cement to hold your dentures on.

The point of both these pictures is to demonstrate the iconic toothpaste curl. Notice the little under tuck towards the handle of the brush, and the sexy little tuft at the head.

Now, let me ask you... Has your toothpaste EVER come out this perfect on your brush? If you have the magical power that the lady in the Crest Pro-Health (it was just on again...) commercial, then I'm sorry you've been given such a useless magical power and perhaps encourage you to go into cake decorating or something more interesting than toothpaste model.




Although, being a Toothpaste Model does not mean you have to be able to apply perfect toothpaste. Like I mentioned previously, the paste in the tv commercial was computer graphically applied.

Frankly, toothpaste doesn't even need a sexy woman to sell it. Toothpaste can be sexy all by itself:


All jokes though, even advertisers somehow manage to make toothpaste sexy:



It's dark, mysterious, sensual, seductive. It's TOOTHPASTE.

Mouthwash, on the other hand, is aided tremendously by this lovely woman:



Mouthwash just doesn't have as much going for it as Toothpaste.

Toothpaste, ladies, has a following.



And to end on a culturally relevant note, toothpaste is also Green.



I bet you never thought so much about toothpaste. And I bet you'll think about sex next time you brush your teeth.

Cheers!

no thank you, rocket man

I was browsing through LIFE's 21 Greatest Space photos, when I came across this photo of Bruce McCandless floating out in the middle of space thanks to a jet pack. This photo terrifies me more than creationists and creamed corn. What if your jet pack went on the fritz? Could the other astronauts watusi the spacecraft over to you before you floated away?

Also, have you SEEN "Powers of Ten"? 

Things I would Ban

1. The superfluous use of "sort of" and "kind of" - especially when combined with an academic tone of voice, and extra especially when pushing trendy square glasses up your nose.

2. the two party system.
see the silly image with the donkeys and elephants mounting each other...

3. "I could care less."

The "caring continuum" is handy:

4. Brownies, cookies, or any other baked goods containing NUTS.

p.s.... what is that font at the bottom of the nut brownie picture?

5. Dan Brown. Is it unfair to pick on pop fiction?

6. wedge heels. because... I don't like them. While I am at it - overly pointy shoes of any kind. I am the dictator of this post!

7. Oh! let's not forget FLOOZIES! maybe Victorian Floozies are alright...

Anything else, while I'm dictator?

Thinking inside the box..

I have to say I have not don't much bank thinking as of late. I have been thinking more close to home. From time to time, my mind has drifted into more expounding thoughts and ideas.

Anyway, I have witnessed a lot of what I shall call: unworldly thinking. What I mean here is, thinking that does not belong in the bank. I think it belongs nowhere but, alas, I have been witness to it. I have been hearing thoughts that boggle my little brain.

I am used to Bank thinking to be honest. I am used to worldly, interesting thought. I am saddened by this group think mentality. It is affecting my life. I need some stimulation.

So, I invite/solicit/whorishly ask for things to think about other than the litany of stuff that usually goes through my head. You know:

puppies

kittens

vesty

passive voice

html code

pretty clothes

poetry

jane austen

dino porn

We need some action and I mean down and dirty, mudslinging epiphanies.

Let's do this because I don't know if I can go another week hearing close minded BS. Ladies...mount up. Show them what we are working with.

walk of fame

Get out your pencils, it's a think tank bank quiz. Which of these pairings has a star on the Hollywood walk of fame? 

Category 1: Movie beasts

 or 

Category 2: James Bond

 or  

Category 3:  DIY television hosts

 or 

Category 4: Nickelodeon TV cartoons

 or 

Category 5: TV judges

 or 

(answers in the comment section)

I wish I was in this meeting

So, KFC has decided to replace bread with chicken. I would link you to proof of that, but they have provided no evidence on the KFC website.

In case you haven't seen it, the sandwich is called "Double Down" and consists of bacon, cheese, and special sauce held together by two pieces of fried chicken ("bread"). Crazy! After the brief "healthy KFC" advertising (buckets of grilled chicken are healthy), they flipped it on us and went straight to heart attack.

I have been seeing this commercial on TV for at least the last couple of weeks, and I am blown away every time. I also love the "unthink" slogan they have going. They also use it in the Double Down commercials, which makes a lot of sense. Kudos to KFC. Unfortunately I could not find the actual commercial, so this will have to do:

And then there is this guy:

Note: He included his phone number in the video info, in case you need to reach him.

an announcement

After conferring tonight, Beth and I would like to pass onto you our new motto:

"No floozies!"

That's all.

the secret to time travel

everyone knows that it takes longer for a kettle to boil if you watch it. and everyone who has ever studied grammar knows that, no matter how witty Lynne Truss is, when reading about punctuation marks and compound complex sentences and past participles, time dramatically slows.



so, what if you were to boil a kettle full of grammar? perhaps time would stop!

there are a few hurdles to overcome before designing a space/time ship with a gigantic visible kettle for an engine.

first, one must distill grammar from its abstract form to something tangible. arguably too, it must be something you could fit in a kettle and bring to a rolling boil. the first thought that comes to mind is likely paper pages covered in grammatical rules. for me though, stuffing grammatical rules into a kettle to boil seems like a fun and interesting experiment.

to stop time, however, the process must serve no interests, no musings, no wonders. essentially, the audience must be bored to the point in which all time suspends--no movement forward of backward. by doing thus, the audience of the grammar-filled kettle will appear frozen in time. the grammar must not provide amusement and so another alternative to paper ought be sought. discuss.

having successfully trapped an audience in suspended time status, what are we to do with them then? can we push them into the past or the future? if the audience is pushed, will they not be disrupted and immediately return to the present? if so, is there a way to harness the energy used to go from suspended state to present state? therein, may hap, lay the secrets to time travel.

musical comedy duos*

Edit: Our lovely blog doesn't like some of the widescreen YouTube videos and cuts them off. Double click to open them in YouTube.

Why do the funniest musical comedy acts always come in twos?*

First (obviously): Flight of the Conchords

Second: Garfunkel and Oates 

Third:  Dr. Adam Kay and Dr. Suman Biswas (aka Amateur Transplants)

Fourth: Rhett and Link

* I actually just wanted to post some funny videos for all who have been feeling down as of late. 

look at my skin laugh....

Just wanted to share this

Cigars - Sexy, Silly or Street?

As I was driving from my husband's place of work (where he had a lovely Thai lunch) to the grocery store on my way home, I saw a road worker with a cigar.

He looked a bit like these guys, except about 10 years older and Mexican. Oh, and he had a grey mustache. He was puffin his cigar WHILE SIMULTANIOUSLY hauling around gravel and grit to fill holes in the road.

He looked right at me as I was stuck in traffic caused, probably, by him in the first place. I couldn't help but smile at the guy. He looked really silly. I sort of wanted to tell him he looked really silly, but then I thought best not cause more traffic. He's probably just found out he's a new grandfather or something and someone gave him a cigar to celebrate and he just couldn't wait to start puffing away (I ♥ run-ons).

This odd cigar puffing construction guy made me think a little about cigars. I assume that most people think of cigars as an old man's habit. Cigars and bandy in smoking jackets after dinner?

Or perhaps you're one of those that associates cigars with gangsters. Scarface smoked cigars, B.I.G. smoked cigars. Bobby DiNero probably smokes cigars. And you wouldn't mess with any of those thugs. So many the construction worker guy was actually a gangster in disguise! Haha, I caught him out though, on account he couldn't give up his cigar.

This could be true, but I didn't immediately suspect him for a gangster. No,my instant association was actually with Toni Braxton. I know, weird right? I saw this round, late-middle-aged, mexican construction worker with a cigar in his mouth and that made me think of Toni Braxton!?

There is an uber-brief moment in the video below (seconds after the 3-minute mark) where she puts a cigar in a martini glass filled with the same color liquid used in tampon commercials. Yet somehow... it's kinda sexy. Or maybe it's just that white body suit she's wearing...

Humans are disgusting creatures

We really are. If you look at any other animal, they clean themselves at will. The cat will give itself a lovely tongue bath and will willingly give other fellow cats one as well. Dogs will wash their paws for hours on end.

But, we humans...think. We decide whether we want to take a shower at all and when it will happen. There are people who do not bathe for one reason or another: religious, personal, etc. I leave out the sick because they physically or mentally cannot wash themselves. It is not their fault but the physically and mentally capable can wash themselves and sometimes do not. That perplexes me.

Other animals have the instinct to clean..how come we always do not? Is it because we think? Interesting..I should read up on this.

Infomercial Heaven

This is the Think Tank Bank, after all. Infomercials for GREAT ideas are just what we need! I suggest - should we find the time - that we turn some of our inspired ideas into our own infomercials sometime in the near future. I mean, to help the world and all.

Could be free - or 48 easy payments of $0.00 per month!

What are you waiting for?

Below are two fantastic examples. First of all - the titty bear. Ahem, sorry - the Tiddy Bear. This brilliant design finally solves the seatbealt-digging-in problem for not only women - but also men and even children (it won't kill them!). It's ok for men to use it. It doesn't make them wusses, it doesn't even make them gay.

The next infomercial... well, this is just a "lesson learned" I suppose. We will test our products meticulously before filming an infomercial.

Maru San ga ichiban neko desu yo!

(trans: Mr Maru is the number one cat!)
(addendum: except for spock of course)



not very much need be said about Maru San. he has a face. it's a squished face, but it's an adorable face.

please, enjoy.

umbrellas

As I was getting inside the car today, my umbrella protecting me from the torrential downpour, I inevitably got wet as I tried to duck inside and close the umbrella. I figured, there surely must be an invention out there for this. After much googling, however, I failed to produce any such invention. Is there something I'm missing in my get-into-a-car-with-umbrella-while-raining-and-not-get-wet technique?

I give any one with more....well, invention...than myself the permission to steal my idea and then market it to Billy Mays on the Discovery show, Pitchmen.

Inertia

On my way home yesterday, I thought about inertia. I stood on the train, still. Yet, I wasn't really still. I was moving at some rate of speed unknown to me. 

Inertia.

I think we forget about inertia when we drive. We are really cruising along doing 80 and we will continue to do 80 if we hit and our car stops..we are still gonna go 80 into the windshield...ouch. 

It is fascinating. This first law of motion builds on so many things...it is used to create the catapult, build bombs, dance, etc. 

Mr. Newton your keen observations and tireless experiments on the world created the technology driven world today.  Simple things we take for granted are explained through your theories and laws. 

So thank you, Mr. Newton for giving me something to think about while on the train.  I didn't even feel I was moving. Sometimes math and physics blow my mind in a good way. :)

Evil Nestle CEO

So just wanted to share a little bite of evil with you all. This clip is from the movie "We Feed the World." Just thought this part with the ceo talking was particularly mind blowing...

Interesting to hear the way people justify certain actions that impact the entire world. I know we are all implicit in a lot of things, but it is curious to watch someone - with so much power - who really could make a huge difference if he wanted to. He believes, I guess, that because his corporation feeds some and employs some that he is forgiven for those he starves. But anyway, here he is talking about the "extreme" opinion that water is a basic human right.

So I googled "nestle is evil" and found a site dedicated to Nestle's equally admirable approach to feeding babies. Notice the Nestle ads at the bottom of the screen... thanks google...

http://nestle_is_evil.tripod.com/nestleisevil/id2.html

addictive website # 56

days like these--days where procrastination is a disorder, not a decision--are days when new website discoveries are equivocal to an alcoholic discovering a new bar in town. it gets worse: the bar tender is hot and tells great jokes.

i just can't stop. the heavens are shouting down at me: DON'T STOP!

today's addictive website: textsfromlastnight.com.

this morning i was sitting checking my facebook (addictive website # 3), when a former employee of the writing center pops in before her exam. we start chit chatting and she drops the phrase "Fmylife". she shook her head and said "i love that website". i tell her i'm not a big fan because it makes me angry at people. then she recommended this text messages site.

people send in their text messages from the previous night (duh), and most of them are about sex with strange things, being high and wanting taco bell, walking in on people doing things with other people who shouldn't be doing things together never mind what it is they're all doing, or the odd circumstances under which the messenger woke after a night of drunken debauchery.

i'm only on page 4 of the site but i love it and could probably spend the better part of the next two days here.

this is bad. or brilliant.

Time Travel

Every since the Grants Writing--Heely Grants episode of the time travel proposal...I have been obsessed with time travel. Okay, it goes further back than that. I have seen Back to the Future over 30 times and fear going 88mph in any car.

Anyway, today on the news there was a time travel piece. I guess, Lost (I don't watch lost) has something on involving time travel. Physics professors from MIT were discussing factors that made time travel almost impossible. I got sad.

But, let's discuss the fact that channel 5 felt the need to interview people at MIT!! wtf! I think these dudes are busy..trying to well solve this issue but....come on.

I still hold out hope that I can travel in time or that possibly Start Trek can happen because...if you dip through a black hole you are traveling through time and space...hence putting the space -time continuum off kilter. I believe!!!

Alas...I want to go back in time!

Luggage Voyeurism

Somehow, I have never lost my luggage. I thought I did, one time, in Providence but I was just too late picking it up from the conveyor belt...thingy...and they stored it in a little room for me.

PRESSING QUESTION: Would you want everyone on the interweb to see your tattered underwear and slutty nurse costume if it meant you could get your luggage back? 

If so, anonymous dude over at IsThisYourLuggage.com can make your dreams a reality!

Evidently, if airlines can't reunite baggage with their owners, they sell them (contents and all) at an auction and give the profits to charity. This guy goes to auctions, buys them, and is now putting both suitcases and suitcase innards on display for the world.

Then, you can click on a bag to see the contents. See that black bag second from the right? SHAZAM!

On the actual site you can view a large photo and see all of the clothing and undergarments in incriminating detail. There aren't too many on the site right now because it's new, but he promises to add more. 

I like this site in the same way I like Erik Boker's toothpaste dissections.  Seeing the insides and contents of things you don't normally get to see is fascinating to me. Even humans. I mean, that Body Worlds exhibit is cool, right? I wouldn't want to slice open a human myself, but if someone already has the human sliced open, then I'm sure going to look. 

I confess, however, that the skid-marked underwear in the big blue case did give me the heebies. 

pee standing up

i have penis envy. i think most women, at one point in their life at least, thinks about what it would be like to have one. if i had one wish, i'd wish to be a boy for a day; just so i could know what it felt like.

part of why having a penis would be so great, is because i'd be able to pee standing up.

well, now i don't need a magic genie to be able to pee standing up! i got a GoGirl!


i was talking to my husband about how much i wanted to pee standing up. i can't remember how the conversation started, but it did. he then, being the kind of person who has seen all of the internet, told me about these funnel like pee cup things for girls who want to pee standing up.

he found the GoGirl website and i, in an excited state, purchased one immediately.

i got it in the mail, but was too afraid to try it right away, so i waited until i took a shower so i could test it out in a safe environment. and guess what. IT WAS AWESOME!

the product itself is just a silicon funnel. the top of which is shaped to match up and seal around your girl parts. the bottom has a little hole.

the suprisingly simple design works wonderfully, and it's pretty accurate. i practiced writing my name.

plus, it comes in an attractive light pink, with a little cardboard tube for storage.

spending $8 on one of these would be silly if you were only going to use it at home, but i am so looking forward to the convenience of my GoGirl the next time we go camping.

Baby puke...

I am fascinated by how babies just puke. I understand they have yet to develop the specific puke reflex (scientific name..really I looked it up) and their little esophagus flap is not fully grown but I just find it cool!

Yes, its disgusting but, milk just pops out of their little mouths. Its like oh hai..BLURP! They don't even know its happening, poor little guys. (I am not posting a pic because..the ones i found were far more disgusting that I could have imagined.)

That is all I have on baby puke. I just wanted to share that with you.

I could go into why do adults puke but that is far more complicated. I mean some adults puke because they have sick tummies, other's have sick heads.

the end.

ABBA vs. Chiasmus: But more importantly, "Why Cats Paint"

I had every intention of writing a post about an issue that has surely been on all of our minds: the relation of ABBA to A-B-B-A structural style. That's right - finally someone with the courage to go there!

'It's about time' you say, and 'amen.'

Thing is, before I got around to doing that, something else came up. This something is very important!

Why Cats Paint: A Theory of Feline Aesthetics contains surprising and insightful commentary and criticism of feline painting techniques. You will be fascinated to learn that "Cats show a distinct preference for Van Gogh which is thought to be due to their being able to relate to the swirling fur-like nature of his brush strokes."

Bet you are also (until now) ignorant of the "localized low energy force fields" that stimulate the cats to paint!

Twelve artists are featured, including "Misty" whose paintings are valued "for their strong yet ambiguous imagery" and "incomprehensibility" which provokes rich and intriguing interpretation.

From Ruralists to Expressionists to artists who "choose" to paint while high on catnip, this decidedly high-brow (and yet still very accessible) art book covers the most important feline artists of our time.

Now, you are still wondering about ABBA. The name of the pop group is an acronym formed of the first names of its four members: (Agnetha, Benny, Björn, Anni-Frida). Anni-Frida was married to Benny,and Björn was married to Agnetha. ABBA. Not that the marriage has anything to do with the acronym. But CLEARLY they are demonstrating a preference towards chiasmus. (Oh, Stylistics class).

However, their song titles betray a deeply noncommittal structural element.

For example: "Knowing Me, Knowing You" - ABAB. "Mamma Mia" - AABA?

Just trust me. It is a major weakness in this band's otherwise highly respected career.

However, if you just take a minute to view the video for "Take a Chance on Me" you'll notice an interesting physical positioning of the four band members:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuB8xWeA59I

Surely ABBA!

Scanning, MacGyver-style

Want to scan something but you're either too lazy to go use a scanner or you don't own one? Use the following guide to help you get your item saved as an image on your computer, courtesy of Nicole and Jenni (mostly Nicole).

Disclaimer: This guide will only work for items that are not text-heavy.


Requirements:

• Item to be scanned
• Mac computer with a webcam and Photobooth
• Photo-editing software
• One piece of white paper
• A friend

Step 1

Start Photobooth. If you hold your document up to the webcam, the text will appear backwards. Time for some fananglin'.


Step 2


Push the "Effects" button (underneath the live video capture on the righthand side. In case you miss it like I did, it's labeled "Effects").


Step 3



Page over until you find the "mirror" effect. Select it. Don't be freaked out when you accidentally catch your own image on the screen.


Step 4


Take the item to be scanned and tape it to the piece of white paper. You don't need to tape around the edges, just roll up a piece of tape and stick it on the back. This should be sufficient for your needs.


Step 5


If your friend isn't standing next to you, ask him or her to come over now.


Step 6
Hold your piece of paper (with item taped onto it) up in front of your webcam. Because you will be holding the piece of paper up, you won't properly be able to see the screen. Your friend should tell you when you have the paper held in the right position to properly capture the image in a photo. Ask your friend to click the button to take the photo and hold that position for three seconds until it takes.


Step 7
Now that you've taken your photo using the mirror effect, you need to crop your image so that only the image with the text reading the correct way remains. Export the image to Preview or any other photo editing software and crop it.


Step 8



Save the cropped image in an acceptable file format and you're done!

Ants vs Cats

Little black ants are eating my cats' dry food. I don't know what it is that attracts the ants to the food, but goshdarnit. I've had to sweep every morning to keep the colony at bay.



There must be something in the food that attracts them. Likewise, there must be some way of stopping them from infesting my dining room without poisoning my furry little friends.

Beth, can you help me?

Addendum: since posting, i have taken several distinct precautions against the small black ants. for example, i took beth's advice and moved the food away from the ants' path. i didn't just move it around the room though, i put it in the hall way where there is carpeting as opposed to wood flooring. i believe the carpet has put the ants off on account of all the extra effort it would take for them to climb the carpet (carpet, in case you didn't know, has more surface area than wood flooring. and though insignificant to use big footed humans, ants are very small and have to climb over each thread of carpet).

also, it has been raining lately. ants don't seem to like the rain.

Why does Target only carry frosted toaster pastries?

The Target in North Dartmouth hosts a wide variety of toaster pastries. The toaster pastry section takes up all of the vertical shelving in an approximately six to ten foot horizontal area. This works out to at least thirty toaster pastry varieties to choose from, including regular Pop-Tarts, Target-brand toaster pastries, low-fat ones, low-carb ones, fiber-rich ones, and so on and so forth.

Pretty impressive, Target...if you're a five-year old. All of the toaster pastries...and I do mean all of the toaster pastries (even said low-fat, fiber-rich, etc. ones) have frosting on them. 

Sure--I like a Coke for breakfast every now and then, but sure as beans do not want frosting on my toaster pastries. *Shudders*  

There must be people who don't want to eat chocolate marshmallow-filled pastries with chocolate butter fluffy candy coated frosting. Everyone in the office seems to concur that Target is discriminating against the frosting-phobes. 

 Get with the program, Target. (I like plain strawberry Pop-Tarts if you would like to make amends). 

Nic-Tred

Have ever wondered how to get to point A to point B in Antartica? Well, like most people you say" "Oh well, you simply cannot do that easily. It's near impossible. The snow, the lack of roads, the inclement weather." I say: "Nope!! Not so!"

I have developed the premeir way to scoot your way around in the tundra and harness natural resources.

The NicTred
Yes, I named it after myself.

This transportation device uses state of the art technology and the pure power of penguin to make your trips tooling around the Arctic much easier.

HOW DOES IT WORK?

Well, the Nictred is a platform based machine that allows the passenger to stand on it while it moves. It is similar to the Segway, because the passenger just stands on it and it moves. How does it move? Penguin power of course!

The penguin lives in the bowels of the treds and runs on a track (similar to that movie but minus the death) which propels the device.

The Nictred tops speeds up to 15mph and 20mph in mating season.

Below is a similar device. There would not be any missile launcher's on the NicTred. This is a spec for North American college campus'.

*Please note a lot of space for penguin or other animals to scurry their hearts out.
We see here the speediness of the penguin and its Biblical tendencies, a great choice for transportation in one of the world's most undiscovered wonders.


The Nic tred will also be available in cheetah:



Available in warm climates or if you really want to get somewhere fast in Antartica..possibly if a glacier is collapsing.

The Nic Tred...getting you where you want to go